Now before I proceed, let's define anger because we tend to see it as negative. Firstly, anger is an emotion not an action. It often calls us to take action - to fight injustice, to force a change or demand to be heard. In fact most major changes started because someone got angry. Our country was founded because people got tired of unfair taxation and demanded that they be heard. With ALS, this is a difficult emotion because the disease itself feels so hopeless. As a caregiver it is imperative to find an outlet for these feelings or the body will stress making it susceptible to illness (illness is not a luxury a caregiver can afford). I have various outlets, writing this blog is my "call to action" hoping that I can bring awareness to ALS and the courageous families that are managing with it every day.
Sometimes anger manifests itself in strange ways and often I don't realize my "overreaction" to something until I reflect back. Over the past year I've developed a dysfunctional relationship with Panera Bread. Yes, Panera Bread. I am a regular customer at Panera Bread - they make great bagels and every Tuesday is "Bagel Day" where you can purchase a baker's dozen for $6.99. I love bagel day! I buy my bagels and eat them over the next few weeks then head back to Panera for more. Unfortunately, I've also found that often when I get home, my bagels are cut all kinds of ways... I prefer my bagels to be evenly cut down the middle. Yep, this makes me angry, but I've "blown it off" for months until recently when I added a cookie to my bagel order only to find when I got home, that they forgot to put it in the bag. Well, this was the final straw, I sent an email to Panera Bread demanding that I be given my cookie only to receive a "computer generated" email apologizing for the mistake and asking if there was anything that they could do. So my response email wasn't too nice - I think it started with... "Uh, duh I want my cookie."
The movie "John Wick" came out on video a couple months back and I couldn't wait to see it. I read the description and was super intrigued with the plot. It's about guy who was a mob killer that got out because he fell in love. His wife dies and leaves him a dog "to love." Super sweet huh, well that's just the first five minutes. The rest of the movie is about John getting revenge because due to a series of events his dog is murdered. So, we watched the movie and I loved it. For those who know me, this is not a typical "Cheryl" movie, I enjoy a good action movie but I have a hard time with violence. I must have surprised Patrick because the next morning, he looked at me and said "I looked up 'John Wick' - did you know he killed 84 people in that film." So, I guess it appealed to the angry Cheryl.
Many of the caregivers at support group told similar stories. Don't be afraid, we're actually a pretty decent bunch of folks. The discussion touched me because it was a reminder that we are all human and it's ok to have feelings. We deny feelings of anger because it's uncomfortable, but in truth it is part of the grieving process (remember the five stages of grief). The ALS journey is not an easy one and the loss along the way is profound.
So, I accept that I have moments of anger, just like I have moments of happiness and sadness. I work to find positive outlets for this emotion, at the same time recognizing that it is all part of the human experience. I'm learning to recognize these moments - pause before sending emails, not saying the first thing that comes to my mind etc. etc. But I must confess I'm looking forward to the next "John Wick" sequel, not sure who he's avenging whether it's canine or human but I'm sure it will be good.
