Friends, Loss & J.t.

Chester and Caitlin

When Caitlin was little, we decided to get a dog. We just purchased our house and the time seemed right to bring home a 4-legged family member. We adopted Chester, at the Placer SPCA after spending months looking for just the right dog. I told a friend at work about our new addition and he immediately responded with - your daughter is so young, do you think that's appropriate. My immediate thought was that he was concerned that the dog might do her harm, so I responded that we did our due diligence and took the time to find a dog with just the right temperament. It surprised me when he said, "no, aren't you concerned that the dog will die and it will be traumatic for Caitlin to suffer such a loss." I honestly never thought about it quite that way - I really didn't have a response other than to say, "no, I hadn't thought of that."

He was right, of course, Chester did die when Caitlin was a teenager and she was saddened by the loss. On the other hand, I've never regretted the decision to adopt Chester, he was such a wonderful dog and companion for all of us. Yes, we all suffered pain from his death, but to not have adopted him - that would've been a much greater loss.

Since Patrick's diagnosis we have participated in ALS Association activities, support groups, and the Walk to Defeat ALS. We've developed friendships, connections and shared ideas and support with many ALS families. Not everyone chooses to engage in these activities and develop relationships - this is a personal choice. For us it's been such blessing and I am grateful for the many people we've met along the way. We knew making this choice that we would suffer the loss of friends, a sad reality of the disease. And we have lost our share of friends on this journey, frankly some of the best people I've known. My reaction to loss has not changed - shock, numbness, grief. It never gets easier, and you never get use to it.

J.t. and Rebekah at my 50th Birthday Party

Just before Christmas, we got the news that a fellow ALS traveler and friend, J.t. Inocencio passed away. He was diagnosed in November, 2013 at the age of 42. He leaves behind his wife, Rebekah and two sons, Jacob, 13, Mateo, 8 along with a huge group of friends and family. In fact, Patrick said, "they would probably need to hold his funeral at the Golden 1 Center to accommodate everyone." Funny, but not far from the truth, the reception afterward is at a sports center. He was loved and admired by so many including Patrick and I.  J.t. shared his life and ALS trials on Facebook. He wrote about his concerns of how ALS impacts his children, his wife and family. He inspired, challenged and pushed everyone he knew to seize the day and live in the now; but above all, be grateful. Here is one of his final Facebook posts,

Physically disabled but mentally able to dance to the record playing on the turntable. 

Trapped in a physical form as my mind prepares to weather the storm. 

Your eyes upon me see death essential but inside this brain is unlimited potential.

I cast my cares on the man upstairs which allows me to live free without being scared. 

A servant I am for the king of kings shining light on the darkness as the Angels sing. 

Each day is a gift for all of us but instead of being grateful we whine and fuss. 

Tomorrow nobody is guaranteed so Seize the day and look to succeed. 

If you're struggling daily just tryin to survive Keep moving Forward with eyes, to the sky. 

#AttackLifeSmiling

He was strong in his faith, it never wavered throughout his diagnosis. He encouraged everyone to embrace their better selves and be grateful for the moment. His hash tag was #AttackLifeSmiling. He had a wicked sense of humor and tremendous love of life. He didn't sugar coat things, instead he was brutally honest.  He described being hoisted in the hoyer lift, bathroom challenges and using medical marijuana, all in great detail. Yes, on occasion I wondered how Rebekah felt about his candid posts, but if she was concerned she never let on.

Both J.t. and Rebekah have been tremendous sources of information and support for Patrick and I. I am grateful for their friendship and will continue to be inspired by J.t.'s approach to life.

In one of his final posts, he discussed his concern on the impact of ALS on his sons. I've considered this for my daughters and grandchildren too. I'm not going to sugar coat it - I think it's a mix of good and bad.  My belief is that Jacob and Mateo will grow up to be thoughtful, caring men that will make the world a better place. What J.t. showed them was grace, and dignity in facing life's challenges. These are lessons we all hope to pass on to our children.  

When Patrick and I go out, we rely on the kindness of others to open doors, hold the elevator and help clear a wide berth. I'm always a bit surprised by who comes to our assistance. Generally, anyone I ask will help, it's those who rush to help before being asked that I wonder about. What is their story? It's not any specific age, gender or ethnicity - no pattern that I've ever noticed. Instead it's my belief that they have a story - something or someone taught them to look around and help others. I know Jacob and Mateo will run to get the door for us - of this I am certain. 

So farewell J.t., we are grateful for your friendship, honesty and incredible ability to see the bright side. We are better people for knowing you. #AttackLifeSmiling