Obituary
Interestingly, over the past five years he never wrote or asked me to write his obituary. We are big genealogists, so he knew I would write one. This is one of the most important documents we look for when researching our ancestors and there is nothing more exciting than finding a long, detailed obituary of a past great great grandparent. It provides a glimpse of the person and those who loved them.
Patrick did make one comment to me about a year ago when we were reading a friend's obituary. The obituary stated "he suffered through a long illness." He said, "For God sake Cheryl, don't write that crap in my obituary." He never saw it that way, he wasn't "suffering," he was living. So, I wrote the obituary based on how he lived, not how he died. Here is a link to his obituary, that was published in the Sacramento Bee,
Patrick's Obituary
Celebration of Life
A Celebration of Life was held Sep 10, 2018 and many wonderful friends and family attended. Miguel Victorino arranged for the Corvette Club to have some vettes in the parking lot along with Patrick's vette. There were stories and memories of Patrick's life shared by friends and family. Grandson Anthony played a couple drum solos for his grandfather - which Patrick would've loved. After the service we had a reception at his favorite Indian Restaurant, Tandoori Bite. I think he would've enjoyed the event and I know he was there in spirit.
I've been asked for a copy of the speech I gave, "the man in my head" and I decided simply to memorialize it here. These were some of my thoughts at his celebration of life,
"To say an ALS diagnosis is hard on a marriage, is really an understatement – all your plans, thoughts and dreams of the future change and you are forced, like it or not, to live in the moment. But, we were always still just Patrick and Cheryl, with all our wonderful imperfections. So, over the past 5 years we loved, fought, cried and tried to make the best of things. About a year ago, we were arguing about money (they say you argue about 3 things: children, money and sex) well we were arguing about money. I can’t remember the actual topic nor what I said, but his response to me I’ll never forget, he said, “I cannot compete with the man in your head.”
I’m going to pause for a minute and let you all in on a little Cheryl secret… when I’m mad… I curse like a sailor… so I think my response, was something like “what the hell are you talking about.” And he said it again, “I cannot compete with the man in your head.”
After the second time we both sulked and didn’t talk. The hard thing about being a caregiver, and a wife, is that even when you are arguing, you still have to put him to bed – Ok, I’m sure I wasn’t the person he wanted to take care of him that night either – but there you are.
After he was in bed and asleep, I took my nightly refuge downstairs – I did this every night, many of you probably got emails from me at 1am and there were other caregivers I instant messaged with. Usually, it took me about 30 minutes just to unwind. That night I picked up the computer, still sulking about the “man in your head” comment and decided to write down my thoughts… and the next morning when he was up, I read them to him… and now I’m going to share them with you. When I reopened this, I thought maybe I’ll rework a bit of it. But I changed my mind, I haven’t changed any content, I did, however smooth out some poor grammar… I titled it, The Man in Your Head:
The Man in Your Head…
The man in my head held my hand while watching a sonogram of a baby that was no longer alive. And immediately following the D&C procedure, took me over to a car dealership to look for a van because, in your words “we need it for all the children we are going to have.” You insisted that the salesperson show us built in car seats because "we would need them."
The man in my head, dresses up in costumes for Girl Scout Halloween parties, fixes computers for friends and family, builds model railroads, gazes at the stars, and planets and always invites us all to join him.
The man in my head adopted my crazy family as his own. Supporting my parents 50th anniversary party, encouraging me to connect with my mom’s biological family and loving my parents and grandparents as though they were his own.
The man in my head when Chester (our dog) was in his final days slept downstairs to be with him before he passed. He said “he shouldn’t be alone.”
The man in my head walked with crutches to the mall during lunch to buy his daughter the jacket she wanted, even though I had said no. (She was being stubborn and refusing to wear a jacket to school) He simply didn’t want her to be cold.
The man in my head sent flowers throughout the years. And on one anniversary showed up at my work with flowers. Karlin came to find me and said there is a delivery for you. I walked out and there you were – I said “I’ll take the delivery boy too.” She had never met you and looked a bit surprised then realized and laughed.
There are many of these memories– and no, not everything is rosy – I think life is a mix of things – we are imperfect human beings, but if all was negative – trust me I’d have left a long time ago.
So, I’ll keep the man in my head…"
Me
I appreciate all the cards, notes and kind words over the past two months. I'm ok, most of the time. I didn't realize how incredibly self absorbing grief is, but here I am, I've entered a new journey. I feel I'm in an "in between place" where I'm holding on to what was and catching small glimpses at what might be. It's lonely and painful. But, I'm ok. Questions I'm asked regularly in the "what are you going to do now" variety, I don't have answers for. And although, I have a bit of anxiety over where I go from here, I suspect the future will figure itself out and without Patrick will never be the same.
In the same vein, I don't know where the blog goes from here. Maybe this is the last one, maybe I will feel compelled to write something later on, it's hard to say. I will say this, I appreciate all of the comments and support over the past six years. Patrick and I both always felt the love from family and friends both near and far.
So, thanks for taking the journey with us and all the best to you.
