Finding the Past & Considering the Future

These last couple months, Patrick and I have spent a considerable amount of time researching the past, managing the present and contemplating the future. For us, I think the things that bring the most comfort are areas in which we can take control. With ALS, you don't have a lot of control - instead you are simply adjusting to the constant change. So we are taking control wherever it presents itself and finding comfort in knowing that we are still "the masters of our own destiny."

Traveling Back to the Past 

Jacob Antrim Timmons - Great Grandfather

Patrick and I have spent quite a bit of time working on our family genealogies. We subscribe to Ancestry.com so we've started the monumental task of entering and researching our family trees. Patrick has always been interested in his family tree and began research and compiling information on his family years ago. I've never had near as much interest as Patrick and perhaps it's the death of my father but I seem to be all engaged in the family genealogy project of late. I think who we are is based quite a bit on where we come from and who came before us - so it's been interesting discovering where my ancestors came from and who they were.

Included in Patrick's information is a family bible, as well as countless photos & paperwork that he's collected over the years. At one point Patrick provided information to Alvy Ray Smith (one of the founder's of Pixar & apparently a distant cousin) on a book Alvy was working. Alvy researched one of Patrick's family lines, the Durands, all the way back to the 1600s. He published a book and sent Patrick a copy that we are finally getting entered into his family tree. He has some interesting folks in his tree, like Jacob Antrim Timmons who performed in a traveling show as Buffalo Bill.


Henry Sanford & Carl Ivan Johnson
(Great Great Grandfather & Great Uncle)

For my family it's a bit more complicated, although I have a few documents given to me by various folks I really had little information. So, I set out asking folks for information. Kristina (whom I've always thought of as an Aunt, but who is really "the wife of my 1st cousin, once removed") provided me with a letter from my Great Great Grandfather Henry Sanford to my Great Grandmother Erma Sanford - circa 1924. In the letter, Henry Sanford says to Erma "the future of this history will depend on you." Additionally, my mom provided a bunch of information, photos and articles on the family. My mom has an incredible memory for these things.


Now I should point out that one of my challenges is my mom's family. My mom was adopted as a baby and has little information on the adoption. My sister and I have always been curious about my mom's biological family, but my mom to my knowledge never expressed any interest. She was very attached to her adoptive parents and brother. My dilemma is so, how does one pursue family genealogy in the case of adoption, my first thought was that the biological family was really "how I came to be." so I put most of my genealogy effort into my father's side of the family. But that's only 50% of my lineage so it did nag at me.

So, I've been thinking really "what is family" and a story by Dr. Seuss that I use to read to Caitlin came to mind, "Horton Hatches the Egg" if you haven't read it, it's worth a read. Basically, Horton winds up sitting on a bird's egg for seasons until it hatches and it comes out with some bird  and elephant qualities. After spending time with my mom this past week, I realized, she doesn't need to know about her biological family because - that's not her family. Her family was Gilbert and Hattie Chandler who adopted her as a baby, raised her and loved her all those years. So, I can't say my curiosity is gone, but my family tree consists of my dad's family (the Johnson Family) and my mom's family (the Chandler Family).

DNA Testing
For Christmas this year, as a gift to Patrick, I had his DNA tested through Ancestry.com. The test is two fold - it provides information on your ethnicity - for instance Patrick is 52% Great Britain, 22% Western European, 18% Irish, 5% Scandinavian and 3% Other. Ancestry provides some migration information and a map of what these areas are considered. Secondly, Ancestry will provide links to other Ancestry folks that have had their DNA done and are considered a "match" with you - they even go so far as to say how close a relative the person is - 2nd cousin, 4-6th cousin , etc. Ancestry then tries to match people in your tree against their tree. It's all quite interesting. So you don't worry you can control your information on how little or how much you reveal to other DNA test takers.

I found it all so interesting, I decided to have my DNA tested also - the results are not back so I can't share with you my information. With my mom being adopted I figure the sky's the limit. On my dad side I expect Swedish and Great Britain - but hey "proof is in the pudding." Every day I log on to Ancestry just to see if by chance my DNA test is completed... it's taking forever (either that or I have no patience). Patrick says it's taking longer than his because they have never dealt with alien DNA before...
 

Burials, Wills and Funerals

When my dad died in December, he left no instructions for his burial or funeral arrangements, which made it difficult to know what the best plan was for dad. It's not a period of time where you are fully engaged in planning or are in your "right" mind -- instead you are in the stage of grieving. So, we made the decisions we thought were best, based on various factors. My hope is that we did right by my dad, he certainly deserved it. This feeling of not knowing was a nudge to me to start making plans of my own as I don't want to add to the stress of those left behind.

Over the past month, Patrick and I worked with an attorney to put together our will and trust documents. The strange thing about doing this is that it actually feels good to complete these items. I think its one of the most therapeutic things I've done of late. With ALS, there are very few things you can control - certainly not the disease, so there is a sense of strength in taking control over end of life decisions. It was a learning experience for me and I recommend that everyone let the important folks in their lives know what their wishes are - don't assume they know.

For me, I've always believed that funerals and burials are for the living and whatever my children needed at my passing was ok by me. Frankly, I kind of liked the idea of my ashes being scattered, some place pretty. It's funny how another person can change your mind though... while all of these decisions were going on, Patrick and I had some important discussions and he reminded me of a number of truths. First, although I don't seem to want a grave site, I always visit my family graves in Susanville when I go up there; I lay some flowers and chat a little to my grandparents, great grandmother and now my dad. I find it peaceful, and I do somehow feel their presence. Secondly, when you're doing family genealogy one of the things you look for are your ancestor's grave sites and headstones - they provide valuable information into your ancestor's history. Lastly, and most important to me was that Patrick wanted us to be buried together.

So... we are taking on the task of purchasing burial plots, selecting a headstone and deciding on funeral arrangements.  As strange as this may seem, I've found a lot of comfort in this, I don't want my children to wonder whether they did right by me or add stress to an already difficult time. I've decided in addition to a headstone we will have a bench (there are some real nice ones) to sit by our grave. I figure our descendants can sit and chat with us long after we've passed.

I hope all is well with you and yours.